I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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