Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Come share oat with me in your robe
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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