just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
