I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think my fart just growled at me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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