when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
