I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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