How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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