I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
