Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
