Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
