you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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