his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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