I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
