i need an iv and a liver transplant
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
