I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
