I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
