my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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