the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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