3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
