Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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