im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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