I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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