My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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