Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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