i just snorted my name. best moment ever
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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