we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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