I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
