I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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