I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
