took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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