Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
should my penis look like a turkey
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
