He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
