Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
