woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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