my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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