im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
