is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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