Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
