If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
