my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
