my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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