glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
