Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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