ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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