and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
