He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
