last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
