Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
