my sisters under your porch take her home
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
