Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
