She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
